Semi-gross analogy incoming...

I've been lying in bed thinking about grief. It's an odd thing, extremely painful and yet you can't touch it or even point it out. There's no miracle pill to get rid of the pain, no limb to chop off, there's nothing inside of you they can cut out. It's buried deep inside of you, somewhere around the heart-lungs-throat region. In my experience (17 years) it never goes away fully - it's like a chronic scab - it heals over partially, but if it gets bumped hard enough it flows again. An intangible wound. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's the best I can do at 1:20 am.

/mourn

/weep

Ruh Roh!

We went out to dinner with her mom and a girl from Aya's floor to celebrate Aya's mom's b-day. Then we took her to her sister's house while Aya, the girl from her floor, a girl from my floor, and myself went to the dollar store and then met up with two more friends to see SCOOBY DOO 2: Monsters UNLEASHED I must admit I had some serious doubts about this one. I was afraid they would have tried too hard and messed up Scooby *gasp at the thought* but it was actually pretty darn funny. Proving further that I should not listen to critics -> because we practically never agree.

I'm almost afraid to look at Aya's blog after tonight. I let loose a couple of very memorable quotes... I'm blaming the 1/2 a migrane I've had all evening/night... my brain hurt and that's why things weren't coming out quite right. Honest.

Sleepy time - enjoy your weekend!

I'm having a hard time today. Grief is a funny process and the nightmares really aren't helping. They're so real and the powerful emotions they evoke don't go away once I wake up. I still feel my heart beating fast, the pre-tearing, clenching feeling in my throat... Result: I start my day in a funky/depressed state. The one last night was pretty bad. I don't know how to stop them, but I need to figure something out before I go crazy or just start balling in a class. It's to the point where I don't function well during the day and I've broken down in tears twice today. UGH! It's so frustrating. Some days I'm fine, almost good as new. I think this is what frustrates me the most. I called my mom this morning and talked to her about it = first breakdown. She said I behaved similarly when my grandmother died. The funny thing is I remember breaking down as soon as my parents told me there had been an accident - before they told me she was hurt - my kiddy senses tingled and I knew it wouldn't end well. I remember crying and crying until I thought I'd never be able to stop. Then at the funeral I was all cried out. I honestly don't remember anything after that... for quite a while. I don't remember how I dealt with it afterwards.. which seems odd to me since I was 8 years old. Maybe I blocked it all out, I have a tendency to block unpleasant memories... don't we all?
This time I cried when mom told me and then I had to pull it together to make it back home. I cried a few tears off and on and then during the funeral I lost it. I had to run outside because I couldn't breath and I just let it all flow. I've cried off and on since then with intermitent days of okness = FRUSTRATION.
I don't know if I'm behaving acceptably according to the grieving process, but it's how I am dealing with it. Maybe if I'm still this way in a couple of months I should go see someone. At this point I think there's a healthy dose of home-sickness contributing to my state.

On a happier note, I found a Cool Link.

And for future/current teachers: For Kids.

Word of the Day: Chapeaugraphy

Careful what you type...

I accidentally typed in: www.aspene.blogpsot.com and boy was that not what I was looking for :)

Minor annoyances:
I'm upset at a certain local "bust"ing video chain who has on their calendar that they would get The Singing Detective yesterday and they didn't have it then. I went back in today to return the ishy CITH and they said they probably won't be getting it :(
/grrrrrr

/sigh

Ugh, just watched The Cat in The Hat and I was not impressed :( sad really, I was hoping it would be good. I went to the video store to find The Singing Detective but got TCITH instead. I don't know much about The Singing Detective, except what I've seen on the website trailer, but I like musicals and this is sort of one, plust it has some great actors in it. Hopefully it'll be better than TCITH.

Word of the Day: Beau Coup - "Chiefly Southern U.S. adj. Many; much: beaucoup money."

HA!

I treated myself yesterday - Aya and I went out to Perkins for a big breakfast and then we went shopping. I bought a GameBoy Advance SP and a few games, then we headed over to see her mom and grandparents for a while. I think I spent pretty much all weekend hanging out with Aya... making up for our non-existent vacation and not really getting to party-harty on her birthday.

Saw a couple of movies on Friday:
Dawn of the Dead - Trippy to see the little girl from Avonlea in a freaky movie, I know she's done other things, but I hadn't seen anyof them.
Taking Lives

Couple of creepy movies... first was Aya's choice and second had looked interesting to me. I still want to see a few others, but I'm guessing I'll have to wait for them to come out on video/dvd.

LOL
I just saw a funny quote. It's kind of bad, but oh well: Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. I can see a deeper meaning.
Don't get me wrong I love eagles, they're majestic creatures and whenever I see one I stop to bask in their beauty.

Thanks for posting the link about trees Renee. I think it's interesting to see how many "tree cities" there are, whether they do indeed act as such.

Word of the Day: Unkempt

I ordered a ring today... it's my "college ring" though you'd never know it. I opted for buying a beautiful ring instead of a clunky ring with lots of writing which I will wear for a year or two max and then stuff in a jewelry box. And yes... I ordered it from John Christian and the design is named..... Aspen! Ironic, yes?

I watched a good movie last night Good Boy. It was really quite cute and great for dog-lovers, which I am. There was one part when I was laughing so hard I was crying. Loved that!

Off to teach 4th & 5th graders a PE lesson.

LOL I was just called Voluptuous!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AYA!!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

I love helping people figure out computer problems. When they get what I'm saying or when I figure out how to solve a new problem... It's a good feeling to help someone and for some odd reason I have a knack for computers.

I ran into Renee today /wave Renee. Was good to see her, it had been a LONG time.

Grief-wise, I'm doing a lot better than I was, even since Sunday. It's helped to get back into my daily routine. Plus all my friends have been so supportive and sympathetic. I'm getting better at not being shocked when I realize I'll never get to see my grandfather again.
I decided I'm going to start a journal for him.... a scrapbook of sorts. I can add pictures and stories, things I remember, how he used to call me "Hun" and the monkey face he made that always made me laugh, his goofy sayings like: "It'll feel better when it quits hurtin, I've had worse things than that on my eye and I didn't even blink." When I would ask where we were going he'd reply "All to pieces..." When I would be looking for someone he'd say they were "Up on the housetop flying a kite." He was a character! Yep... I have so many memories of him, much more than I had of my grandma who died when I was 8. I'm really glad I had that extra 17 years with him. I want to remember everything I can about him.

I had forgotten how much pain you could be in, without having any physical malady - the heart-wrenching pain which comes from the loss of a loved one.
When Aya and I reached Miles City, MT I called my parents to let them know we’d made it that far and found out my Grandaddy had been rushed to the hospital. The next morning my mom called to let me know he had passed away. I had to pull myself together and drive back 6 hours to Fargo, ND where I caught a plane for home. I was so afraid I wouldn’t make the flight and without Aya’s help I wouldn’t have. She helped me keep it together.
It hurts more than I can express. My only comfort comes in knowing he’s with my Grandmommy now and he is no longer in pain. Being with my family has helped, but I leave for MN Sunday morning. Hopefully returning to the routines of my school and work schedule will help to ease the pain.

Booming resumed, sleep remaind just out of my grasp for another hour last night.

Now I'm up, but gonna need a BIG cappacino to keep me going today.

Excited mentally bout trip though :)

Time to check people's rooms, pick up Aya, and hit the road!

Have a great Spring Break All!

Hmmm 2 am and still not asleep... what's wrong with this picture?

Speaking of, went to see Hidalgo tonight with Aya and one of my residents. I was very pleased with it, but then I LOVE horsies! And kudos to Viggo, the man does look wonderful on a horse.

So tired... had to go downstairs and ask someone to turn their music down at 1:20am and still here random boomings from their bass. Wish I were sleeping, long drive tomorrow. /sigh

Got a new camera, lil baby one like Aya has to take random digital pics. Quality isn't that great, but love the way it distorts pics! It's abstract-y. Gonna have fun with it.

Hmm... booming seems to have stopped. Dare I try again to capture the blissful, yet elusive, REM cycle?

Aya and I are leaving tomorrow for the mountains! We'll be back next Saturday night, so no blogging for a week.

I still have The Little Mermaid song stuck in my head, so I broke out the cd and I'm listening to it now.

Oops Aya's here... blog ya later!

I love my life.

Frustrations abound but all in all I am unbelievably fortunate. I have family I love and who loves and cares about me. I have friends that make me laugh, care for me, and with whom I can share the ups and downs of life. Plus, I love the surprises that come my way. You never know who or what is going to surprise you... uhm thus the surprise part... but anywho... I find it refreshing. Like when a male friend starts singing Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid out of nowhere. Learning someone's a big nerd who you thought totally wasn't. Doing really well in a class you thought you were doomed to fail. Having the opportunity to go across the world to a beautiful country, having the opportunity to learn first-hand about them, and getting school credit for it! When you find someone who, after five minutes with them, has your face hurting from smiling so much.

Yep. Life is great, wundervoll even! Hundreds of little blessings we recognize and millions we don't.

Today I feel: Exhausted!

I didn't get to sleep until after 4am and I had to get up at 8:30 am.... 4 1/2 hours of sleep doesn't cut it for me, I need my eight or I get cranky. Lord help anyone who grumbles at me today, they may find their "Momma" to be a bit grumpy, too.

If I haven't explained before I have been dubbed the dorm "Momma" by my fellow RA's. It happened sometime around late Nov. during a staff meeting. We were writing positive postcards to each other and one of the guys said I was very motherly.... well it took off from there. They assure me it's a compliment in the - "Sweet, caring, looks after us all" way and not the "Nagging, annoying, go away and let us grow up" way. So I just smile and answer when the words "Hey Mom," "Momma," etc are uttered.


Link of the day: Drawings with funny sayings

UGH!

I was having trouble getting to sleep... again... but I finally passed out about 1:30-1:40 am.... just in time for a 2 am wake-up-fire-alarm! After getting everyone out, locating the problem, getting everyone back in, and filling out the paperwork... I came back and now I can't get to sleep again /whimper
Maybe if I stare at the computer screen for a while my brain cells will get tired of working overtime :/

Oh, and I have a song stuck in my head.... hehehe it's a good song. Reminds me of one that a friend keeps singing...

Picture: This is what I feel like right now...

Trying something...

Pain, sleep, and Scandals & Life...

I woke up in the middle of the night from the pain in my wrist... this is a new event, one I hope won't be repeated. I'm a very sound sleeper, so that should tell you how much it was hurting. I woke up almost crying, I could feel the tears about to spill out and my throat was clenched. I moved it around, it popped a bunch, then started feeling better and I went back to sleep.

Aside from wrist-issues I've been doing better about getting to sleep at a regular time... no more 2 am's.

Aya posted some links about Colorado and Scandals... ish.... It doesn't bode well for my attending the school, but then again I know that every place has its problems...

I haven't made any official decision as to where I want to go to grad school. I'm not even 100% sure I'm going to go. I've got over a year to decide :) First comes: Graduation, Summer, New Zealand, Italy, and then who knows :)

"Acheeewwwwwww!"

/eyes Aya suspiciously

I've been sneezing all morning and I'm all snuffly.... Did you share your germs with me? Sharing is a good thing... but not when it comes to germs.
/sigh

Oh well I'm still on a high from finally knowing I've been placed in New Zealand. I can't wait to contact the people at the school and find out which grade and where I will be living, etc. So much left to do and so much left to find out... YEY! The excitement never ends.

Aya and I spent most of the day Saturday planning our Spring Break trip where we will be checking out:
Boulder, CO
Ft. Collins, CO
Bozeman, MT

And who knows... maybe Aya will fall in love with one of them and she'll decide she'd much rather go to the Rockie Mountains than England ;)