The last year or so has been... Well, I don't really have words for what it has been. At some points time dragged on forever... and at other points, it flew by with unbelievable speed. Most of 2020 is a blur, with a few highlights (good and bad) standing out clearly.
March 13, 2020, was the last day I worked in my office, shortly after COVID-19 was declared a pandemic.
I worked from home for 3 1/2 months. Just me, my computer, and my dogs. I averaged about 5-6 hours of Zoom meetings per day. We started our days on Zoom, sharing our good mornings, plans for the day, catching each other up on what we were working on. It was better than being completely alone. In fact, those morning meetings were what got me out of bed each day. I felt more productive at times because I had much fewer interruptions - when I wasn't in Zoom meetings.
I drove to Texas at the end of June, right before the 4th of July, to stay with my parents. Echo, Kaylee, and I on a 19+ hour drive, trying to avoid other humans. I used gloves, hand sanitizer, and disinfecting wipes. It was surreal. Upon arriving in Texas, I unloaded my car and spent the next 14 days locked in one end of the house. The few times I went into the rest of the house (to let the dogs out or get something to eat) I would mask up and stay at least 6' from my parents (who were also masked). On July 14th I hugged my parents for the first time since January. Those were some of the best hugs I've ever received.
I continued working remotely (from Texas) through the end of July. My sabbatical began on August 1st. I participated in Gish (the week-long event) during the first week of August. I'd also participated in all of the mini-hunts earlier in the year. They were some of the highlights of the year for me. For example, when I texted my bestie and asked for a picture of her nose or big toe... and she replied immediately with a picture of her nose. No questions asked. 😂
On August 10th, I dove into my dissertation and completed a solid draft of chapters 1, 2, and 3. I successfully completed my dissertation proposal on October 8th and I spent the next few weeks recruiting school districts to participate in my survey. The survey ran between November and December and I was able to take time off during the holidays and spent it with my parents.
It's now February 9th and I'm still waiting for my survey results. It's been a frustrating few weeks, but I feel like I've finally been able to communicate what I'm looking for and I am hopeful I will receive everything in the next couple of days. Once I receive the rest of my data (in the format I need) I will be able to write chapters 4 and 5 - then, eventually, defend my dissertation. I hope to finish everything this semester. I return to work full-time on July 1st and I'd really like to have some time off to work on other things and actually relax without the dissertation hanging over me!
I wanted to document the highlights from the last (almost) year. A lot has happened in this country, in this world, but I've tried not to let it get me down. It's been hard. The levels of fear and hatred that have pervaded our country this past year have broken my heart, terrified me, and made me sick to my stomach. I have hope for our future, but it will be a long road.
The positives:
1. Spending time with my parents
2. Having the time to focus solely on my dissertation (no excuses)
3. Having time to step back from my daily stress and frustrations
4. Having time to implement self-care
I've been (mostly) off of work for 6 months and I'm just starting to realize the extent of the stress I was under. I've been involved with a search committee for work and I have two more search committees to sit on yet this spring - they're all positions I work closely with so I felt it important to share my input. I've also received some updates about significant changes occurring at work... However, being removed from the day-to-day drama, I feel more relaxed and less stressed than I've felt in years.
I love my job. I love helping students. I love the opportunities and interactions it provides me. I love the chances I've had to share my insights to help improve our programs.
I don't love unnecessary drama or politics.
I'm a very passionate person. I care very deeply. I strive to do the best job possible and I have high expectations for myself and for others. Those expectations are not always met to my satisfaction. This is an ugly truth about myself.
My challenge: Find a way to maintain a level of separation between what is going on at work and what I'm feeling. Find a way to keep from becoming so emotionally invested in what is going on that I make myself sick. Find a way to do my job, do it well, and not stress over what other people are or are not doing.
This feels like an impossible challenge... but I must find a way to accomplish it. If I don't, I will burn out and/or risk my health. No job is worth my mental, physical, or emotional health.